Friday, June 23, 2006

Three things what I'm f*cking tired of, and one thing what I can't wait for

Hey boys and girls, it's time for a look into the illogical and bizzare workings of Inner Me!
  • Thing I'm F*cking Tired Of the First: I'm a Superman fan. Big time. So the imminent release of Superman Returns has me all giddy and awash with nerdy fanboy giggles. Every time I see an ad on TV, I rewind and rewatch it six or seven times. Every time I see a trailer at the theatre, I punch the person next to me in my comic-boner rapture. That shot of the bullet hitting Supes' eye and flattening? Gives me chills every time. In short, I'm excited. But every one of these ridiculous articles speculating about whether or not Krypton's Last Son is gay? Is like a big ol' kick to the nuts. I'm genuinely glad that gay recognition/acceptance/rights in the US are, while still not ideal, improving more and more each year. However, the appropriation and revision of the world's greatest superhero (shut up, JT) into a gay icon really gets my ire up. I would have no problem with it if there were any indication in the entire history of Superman that he might be gay; however, Omar's "Gayest Look of the Episode" aside, there is absolutely none. Please, please, please...be aware this isn't an attack on the homosexual community in any way; it's an attack on historical revisionism, which I cannot stand in any form. (And yes, that's me, and it's what I wore to work today. It's how I roll people. How. I. Roll.)
  • Thing I'm F*cking Tired Of the Second: I'm a secret fan of celebrity gossip. It's fun for me, evil as this sounds, to see the haughty and self-important brought low. Yes, I know I'm only fueling their egotistical fire by reading all these silly little "news" items that pop up on the webternet. But's it's fun to giggle at their follies. That said, I cannot stand all the alliterative phrases used in celebrity news/gossip. Any time the Olsen twins are referenced, it's "Mini Moguls" or "Teen/Twin Titans" or "Homeless Aping Coke Fiends" (that last, non-alliterative one might be mine). But the worst, the one that makes me wanna drown puppies in the chocolate milk rivers of paradise, is "baby bump". Any time a female celebrity's stomach swells beyond washboard or skeletal, she MUST be pregnant, because of the g*dd*mn "baby bump". Just say she looks pregnant, for God's sake. Or, say what you're REALLY thinking, and call her fat. 'Cause Lord knows, we need more of THIS unholy mess.
  • Thing I'm F*cking Tired Of the Third: Meaningless work banter makes me violent inside. The other morning, I decided I wanted a Pop Tart (mmmmm....Pop Tarts) with my coffee. So I went to the vending machine, bought my twin pack strawberry Pop Tarts for a dollar, put them in the toaster, and waited for the pseudo fruity goodness. While I hovered over the toaster, a coworker came in to prepare her morning repast. She looked over at me as I was pulling the Tarts from the toaster, saw my little gems of morning fruit delight, and said, "Having some Pop Tarts?" In my morning mind haze, all I could respond with was a grunted "Mm." She cheerily wished me vast enjoyment of the Tarts, and I proceeded on my way. On my way out the door, however, I was stopped by another coworker, who glanced at the beautiful little fructose confections, and said (no lie), "Pop Tart time, eh?" Only later, when two cups of coffee had cleared the cobwebs from my brain, did I realize the missed opportunity. "Big gulps, huh? Cool! Well, see you later!"
  • Thing What I Can't Wait For: I'm not gonna overdescribe this one, except to point out that IT EFFING TALKS, PEOPLE! I've not done anything especially good in my life lately, but I feel, somehow, that Jesus is rewarding me. Me and all the other fanboys out there. So with out further ado, I present to you...Star Wars Transformers.


That sound you just heard? Was millions of nerds screaming, like little girls mind you, for joy.

5 Comments:

Blogger hello jamie: said...

Meaningless work banter= overstating the obvious, in every industry, it seems. Now, I don't work at a fancy university with a fancy kitchen containing a fancy toaster, (sorry, had to) but I DO have these work pants... from Old Navy- these completely normal, chino type khakis... and they have little sparkly things on one leg. They sparkles are the same color as the pants, so they're barely noticable, whatever. I wear them with a t-shirt and tennis shoes. Every time I wear them, SOMEONE says "You have glitter on your pants!!!" and I mean, honestly, how do you answer that?? Um, yes I do. Quite often they add "only on one leg!" Er, that is correct. I don't understand this philosophy of conversation, especially at the buttcrack of dawn. "Sure is hot out." "Lot of people in here today!" "YOU HAVE HAIR."

Geez.

7:07 PM  
Blogger J.T. said...

You think YOUR favorite superhero has been the butt (*giggle*) of too many gay jokes?

Get in line, old chum.

10:17 PM  
Anonymous YayCoffee said...

Superman is NOT GAY. This is coming from a slasher. So there. But, the Gayest Look of the Episode CRACKS ME RIGHT UP, I can tell you. :-)

I hate the combining of celebrity names. TomKat. Brangelina. SO OBNOXIOUS!

'Member that part in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy when it's stated that Earthlings like to state the obvious. Ex: It's hot. You're tall.
That's totally what the Pop Tart Story reminded me of.

And... Hee! Those Star Wars Transformers? Yeah, more than meets the eye!

7:10 PM  
Blogger PotentialLunchWinner said...

I guess I'm out of the loop, because I haven't seen anything questioning the sexuality of Superman.

However, I'm in complete agreement that this kind of revisionism is nothing short of ridiculous.

12:38 PM  
Blogger TastyCakes said...

I'm gonna bring this full circle and say that STAR WARS TRANSFORMERS ARE SO OBVIOUSLY TOTALLY RAD AND HISTORICALLY HETERO.

7:50 PM  

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