Monday, September 17, 2007

I'm so extreme, Fire's parents told it not to play with me.

So my friend Crazy Lil Lady, who works in the film industry, was telling me about this horrible movie she watched today that sounded, from her brief description, like the world's most jam-packed EXTREME!sports movie ever. It included no fewer than three extreme sports, plus some churchifying and disablefication. Since Friday Night Lights has made me an expert in all things sports related [/guffaw], I now offer up my brief treatment for the best, most extreme sports related inspirational movie ever made. me!

Title: All Your Sports Are Belong To Us
Plot: Extreme sports enthusiast, Dan "the Vivisectionist" Earthraper, has one goal in life: to be the most extreme athlete that ever extremed. One fateful day, he attempts the unbelievable and almost pays with his (extreme) life. Vivian (as he's known to his friends) paraglides onto the face of Mt. Everest, where he kills a bear with his teeth and transforms it into the world's most extreme snowboard. He begins boarding down the killer mountain, avoiding rabid mountain goats and snowbound serial killers, and is set to make history when his world is forever altered.
Forgetting a skate ramp he had left at the bottom of Everest from a previous attempt to skateboard naked down a felled treeline, Vivian hits the ramp going the extreme speed of 337 MPH and rockets 400 ft. into the air, where he collides with a parachuting extreme black ops marine with father issues (Olaf Murderingson). The impact instantly blows the legs off both men, and they plummet to the earth below. Fate once again intervenes, this time in Vivian's and Olaf's favor, as they land smoothly and safely on a stunt man's safety pad. The footage of two cursing and screaming men entangled in a parachute trying to get off a safety pad all while blood jets from the stumps of their now missing legs becomes famous thanks to cell phone footage, and the two men become instant celebrities with more money and women than you can shake an extreme stick at.
Olaf becomes addicted to sex and snorting ground up unicorn testicles, and is on a path to complete self-annihilation, but Vivian intervenes through his new connections in the Church of Scientology (where, thanks to his fame and riches, he has come to be considered the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard, and is allowed the privilege of running over Tom Cruise with a steamroller while making out with Katie Holmes). After a lengthy time in rehab (where he once again gains notoriety for punching Lindsay Lohan so hard she becomes a man), Olaf returns, and he and Vivian set about becoming super-extreme once again.
With their riches, they invent a rig for the disabled which allows prosthetic feet to be attached to BMX bike pedals, and they subsequently conquer the most extreme BMX course ever, one lined with herpes tipped broken glass and super cute puppies with super bad attitudes. They also invent the brand new sport Parafootball (Extreme!), where players are required to kill a hammerhead shark with their bare hands and use its corpse as a battering ram to attempt to enter the end zone, which is guarded by 40 ft. tall laser shooting robots. The two spend the rest of their days being extreme and murdering endangered species with broken beer bottles.

So there you have it. Don't copy my ideas and claim them as your own (I'm looking at you, Uwe Boll). This movie will garner me riches untold, especially if I get the casting I want (Collin Ferrell as Vivian, Dustin Diamond as Olaf, and James Van Der Beek as the robot). Yes, I know I didn't include a love interest, but who has time for love when you're busy paragliding and shark killing?


Blogger J.T. said...

ooh.. wow.. ummm- (how do I say this..)

Seen it!
But it was animated, and straight to DVD - so there may still be room on the market for a re-make.

12:03 PM  
Blogger The Bagboy said...

Sir, I believe you should check your pants, as they seem to be aflame.

2:13 PM  

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