Thursday, October 07, 2004

By the pricking of my thumbs...

Ever get that feeling of existential dread? You know, that gnawing, ache-in-your-gut feeling that something bad is about to happen? Or worse, that something bad is already happening, but you're not fully aware of it yet? I have that right now. There's nothing in particular that would lead me to that conclusion, and yet I can't shake the feeling that something's going/about to go wrong. Maybe it's my constant state of financial depression, or my back which gets a little worse each month. Maybe it's backlash from all the years I tended to be a jerk with little apology. Who really knows? I just know that I'm feeling severely out of sorts today.

Spent the evening with Krista on Tuesday. Alan asked how it was, and I had to think about it for a bit before I could answer. I really have a lot of fun with her. The flow of conversation is easier with her, in a lot of ways, than with people I've know much longer than her. We laugh constantly, and she's very easy to open up to (and I think she feels the same way, based on some of the stories she's told me from her life). But she just isn't into me the way I want. And that makes it hard to be around her. I know that sounds painfully selfish, but it's honest, which is what I'm trying to be more of these days. I mean we're sitting there, watching Shark Tale (something I would only see with her), and I can't concentrate on the damn movie because all I can think about is how much I want to grab her hand, or put my arm around her, or just lean the hell over and plant one on her. She intoxicates me. I know that sounds horribly saccharine and cheesy, but it's the best way I can describe it. Around her, I really can't think straight without a lot of effort. I mean, is it normal that every time I leave her company I have to take a few minutes to compose myself?

I'm not going to sit here and claim I'm in love with her. I'm not 100% sure I've EVER been in love, so how in the hell would I know what it feels like? Other people can try and quantify it for me, but isn't your love for another person a wholly personal experience? Yes, there are some commonalities. Wanting to be around him/her all the time, caring more about him/her than yourself, etc. But I'm the type of person that wholly invests himself in his platonic relationships, so how do I know when there's a difference?

Not long after I first met Krista and we had spent some time together, she told me, very up front and honestly, that she's looking for an instant "romantic" connection, and she didn't feel that with me. I could deal with that...if I felt like it were wholly true. But our interactions (and you'll just have to take my word on this) seem to indicate otherwise. I honestly feel like she's making a mistake by not giving me a chance. I think the two of us together could be something truly great. But that's how I feel. I know I have to respect her feeling on the subject, and I do. But how long can I go on ignoring my own desires and needs? How long can I sublimate them to my desire not to lose her friendship? Is the truth just going to pop out of me one day, like steam from a pressure cooker? And wouldn't the after effects of that be worse than if I were truly honest with her about what I feel? So damn many unanswered questions. And I'm veering dangerously close to sounding like a teenage drama here.

Being an adult sucks my ass.


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