Thursday, January 05, 2006

Resolution Revolution!

I don't generally make New Year's resolutions. I spontaneously disappoint myself enough on a regular basis without having a planned and numbered list of ways to do it. But as this is the year in which my 30th birthday sits, waiting to consume my soul and my metabolism, I figured a couple of improvements were in order. And for lack of a better term, I'm using "resolutions". So here is my resolution "Top Ten", numbered, but in no particular order (did I just blow your mind?):

1) Stop smoking within a week of my 30th birthday.

2) After the smoke stoppage is effective, take steps to get in shape so that I don't pass out every time I get up from the couch.

3) Take better control of my finances. This can include a number of things, from debt consolidation, to credit counseling, to the import and export of endangered rhino horn for aphrodisiac purposes. Of course, the last one would require an intimate knowledge of the location of multiple rhinos, as well as the ability to track and kill large African game, so that probably won't happen.

4) Be a less self-centered friend, and don't get so focused on the negative.

5) Start smoking crack.

6) Perfect time travel.

7) Once #6 is accomplished, go back in time and invent the internet, and then tell Al Gore he was the one who did it.

8) Remain vigilent for the arising robot hoard.

9) Stop smoking crack.

10) Find a better hiding spot for the bodies.

Since I'm posting this blog on the international webternet, and Al Gore claimed responsibility for inventing it, Future Me clearly has accomplished numbers 6 and 7. Way to go, Future Me! Oh wait, that's right, I hate Future Me. I don't have time to explain now, but it has to do with him coming back in time and telling people all my jokes before I can, thereby ruining them. Future Me is a bit of a bastard; it's probably the lack of nicotine.


Blogger hello jamie: said...

So, when Non-Smoking Physically-Fit Financially-Sound Time-Travelling Bastard Future You tells me the grasshopper joke again, I can slap him and remind him that Smoking Negative Past You already told me, and I wasn't going to pretend to laugh again?

Oh, wait, did I even pretend to laugh? Probably not. Present Me is kind of an elistist jerk.

7:20 PM  
Blogger The Monkey Attack Victim said...

Kilns and hog pens are good places for storing/getting rid of bodies. So I heard. Somewhere. On teh Intarwebs.

9:26 PM  
Blogger Babs said...

that's i great. when you perfect time travel let me know. i have a few shirts i would like to keep myself from throwing out.

10:15 AM  

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