Monday, March 21, 2005

Gluttony - The American Way

What I'm going to say has been said multiple times over by multiple people in multiple ways, so I'm not for a second claiming originality here. My subject is trite and overworked, but I amused the hell out of myself the other night when I first saw the commercial to which this will refer. And yes, I did say amuse myself, but don't be dirty, you crass gutter-swine. LOL! LMAO! ROTFL! WTF! BBQ! Or something.

So I'm watching TV the other night (one of my favorite forms of exercise), when one of those random commercials for crap that no one ever (I hope) buys comes on. It's by the same people that made that Chocolate Factory thing where the magical process of a double boiler is made simple for the common American so we can all make those ridiculous chocolate covered spoons for our coffee or tea or whatever the hell. I'll admit, I do love some chocolate fondue with angel food cake, but if I'm just dying for that, I'll just spend $20 at Target for a fondue set. Hell, that one even has multi-colored forks so my guests don't get herpes from one another! Beat that, Chocolate Factory! (That, by the way, may be the most unintentionally dirty sentence I've ever written.)

The particular commercial on which I've chosen to rant is for some sort of cake making contraption (no link; they're apparently too ashamed to put it on teh intrawebs) which allows you to make a bowl shaped cake with a regular round cake bottom. Why, you may ask, would you want to make a bowl shaped cake? Why, so you can fill it with things! Things such as what, you (the nosy question-asking bastard) may further ask? Why, such as ice cream! Italian tort or somesuch! Gobs and gobs of frosting! Or, if you're feeling particularly saucy, more cake! Goddamn, it's a cake explosion! Watch out for shrapnel! And I can't even begin to figure out how to put ice cream in a cake without making it soggy or ripping it all to hell, but that's for some fool baker to figure out, not me.

Now what could I possibly have against this useless contraption, aside from it's obvious status of "Shit No One Really Needed"? My problem is this: the world already sees us as a bunch of greedy, heartless pigs, and now we're making things to put one cake inside another cake? 'Cause one damn cake isn't enough? Fill that bitch up with weed or money, and we might have something on our hands. But filling one cake with another? Besides sounding like a sugar coma waiting to happen, it's simply unnecessary, and only serves to make Americans look more like gluttonous pigs than ever before. I don't mean to go all political about it, but goddamn people...if you have $30 extra dollars to spend on a layered-cake-globe-system, go out and buy some homeless guy a damn sandwich. And maybe a Twinkie. Then everybody gets cake with something inside! (Again, unintentionally dirty.)

Edit on 4/20 (Yeah, bitches!): I found the evil contraption's intrawebs presence. It's the Betty Crocker Bake 'n Fill. The horror.


Anonymous J.T. said...

Welcome back, buddy!!

And word up! on your rant from a fat warmongering capitalist.


2:50 PM  

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