Monday, August 29, 2005

My namesake will keel you dead

While listening to NPR and their the reports of Hurricane Katrina this morning, one thought kept running through my head: What in the hell have the Gulf states (with the exception of Texas) done to piss off God? I mean, seriously people. Florida alone has been hit by mother-effing SIX! hurricanes in just under a year! Some people are probably of the opinion that God's trying to destroy Disney World for their horrible love of (and insurance provision to) teh gay. Alabama and Mississippi are supposed to get hit, and are indeed feeling the stronger side of the storm. I'm of the opinion their involvement has something to do with their national education rankings (they are numbers 44 and 47, respectively). Of course Texas, which has so far been relatively untouched by my natural progenies, is 33 on the list, so...hold on to your pants, Galveston (or don't; could be more fun).

And then there's Louisiana. Oh Louisiana. You've grown from a former land-holding of the dirty, dirty French (which might explain the smell when you cross the state line) into a state known for its drunkeness, nudity, and occasional shifts in sexual orientation. People who have known me since college, and some who have known me a shorter time, know that I despise Lousiana. Its crappy state bird (the Eastern Brown Pelican), its crappy roads (cha-gunk cha-gunk cha-gunk), its crappy highly criminal governers, and its crappy aboveground "burials" (please make special note of the phrase "noxious fumes emitted by corpses" in that article) all serve to make Louisiana one huge, non-stop groin kick of a state. And now Katrina has come to make it even worse. Weather analysts are saying that if the city's water pumps go out and aren't reactivated quickly enough, New Orleans could turn into a toxic lake of petrochemicals and raw sewage. Road trip!

Seriously though, whatever you four states are doing...cut it out. Go to church or make a homeless guy a sandwich or something. You're harshing the buzz for the other 46 (no snide comments from you, Puerto Rico) of us. (Sorry to any readers from those four states...I kid because I half-heartedly love.)


Blogger Babs said...

interesting theory, bagboy!

1:04 PM  
Blogger J.T. said...

How in the world did I miss this post? Oh yeah- I guess because (ironically) you were writing and posting it just as my electricity was being brutally and deliberately attacked by the empire of Katrina.

12:19 PM  

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